Random Nonsense

Cycles

2007-07-10T00:51:00.000-06:00

You tell yourself never again, but it goes and happens anyways.
There's a line from an outstanding movie,
"Why do I fall in love with the first girl who shows me the slightest bit of attention?"
And it always makes me feel a little closer to that character.

This is the last night before I go and tell another one "all of it". I've done this twice now, the last two suspected but this one... I don't know. She's different, and I'm not sure in a good way anymore. I had that same feeling of having someone attracted to me that I've had once before for any meaningful amount of time, but it completely disappeared within the last month. Caught a glimpse of it a few weeks ago, but lately, it's quiet.

The thing is that this time, spilling everything isn't in hopes of finding a kernel of mutual feeling within her. No, this time it's to clear my head. It's to save myself the agony that I already wasted an entire night and most of a day on- in that same brooding way that I was in for 3 months a year ago. For some reason, my ego needs to know if it ever was there, or if I misread. And if it was, is there a chance for it in the future?

Maybe for the better, but I'm preparing myself for the latter. I just want to enjoy my summer to the fullest, because while I can't feel the lonliness of school, I do remember it being there. And I know that I need to revel in this as much as I can, yet I'm letting one "friend" take it all away. Getting asked by close friends why I look stressed... Yeah, this isn't my idea of a good time.

I've rehearsed it so many times in my head by now, but I know it never goes how you plan. The truth, is all I want to say and hear. I can't see our current relationship changing, she just doesn't seem to be in the right place for anything more. But as long as she understands that I'm not expecting anything, and that I just want to know if there's anything more here that I missed a chance on (go me), I think that's fair.

Man, dropping this on someone out of the blue seems kinda mean. But it must be done... It's this continue on indefiniately feeling like shit deep down, because I can't be sure if this potentially incredible girl passed by and I was too dumb to understand, or if it was all an illusion brought on by my lack of understanding of the opposite sex.

To relief. It can't go any other way.

Down the hole (and up again?)

2006-11-29T01:51:00.000-07:00

Irony is being back in this spot after, for so long, telling myself "never again". Never again would I waste my time wallowing in depression by choice, knowing exactly how to end it but... Not.

The last moment I had any meaningful social contact was around 8 on Saturday evening, and then briefly (and quite schizophrenically on my part) again around 1 on messenger. Shortly thereafter I found tears streaming down my face as I waited for sleep to come... The last time water of that sort came down my face in that spot was because of a love I had, but was not given back. This time was because of a love I have, that I thought was shared on meaningful level (though not as meaningful as I wish it were), but which I felt thrown to the wind like it wasn't important. All rather suddenly (unlike last time, which took a good 3 months to get beaten into my skull).

Being here, away from everyone that I cared about for 4 years of my life, reminds me of what it is to actually "care" about people. People at home... They get complacent, seeing their friends of ages everyday. I can't really blame them- afterall, it took being thrust away from them to realize how shitty it can be not having them- but nevertheless, it still hurt:

I want to say that my last night in town was one where I was the victim. I really do. Blaming everyone else is far easier, and for the last 3 days its what I've been trying to do, but it never feels quite right. What feels true is that I still carry the stigma in that town- the one I built for myself- of being quiet and mostly anti-social.

I got used to that feeling... And then I arrived at the university. I made different friends. These friends (and while I doubt age has much to do with it, they're all 3+ years ahead of me) aren't too different from the old ones I have, except in one major area that I can't explain in any sort of summarizing word or phrase that has any poetic value, so here's how in laymans: They invite me places. If they go do something, they ask me if I care to join. If they plan to go do something, they ask if I'm in. Such a simple act is- like so many- far more meaningful than quite a lot in my world. And what's more is that these kids don't know me as well as my older friends, but they geniunely care if I come or not. It's not just a curteousy invite- they actually want me there.

The thing is that after being exposed to that, of feeling "welcome" around them, I got it in my head that that's how it was with my old friends. And then I came home and either things have changed, or they never were. I don't mean my closest friends that know pretty much everything in my head- I mean my "friends" that just know me like the guys here do. Well, scratch that- one of the friends I speak of should know me as well as my close friends.

So this stigma that I used to have came back on that last night- manifested in the form of nobody particularly caring to ask me to join them in anything. Part of this is my ego, which while I try to keep very small and benign, is still there. It's not really anyone's fault, they just didn't think of me. I expected them to, and was hit in the face by reality. Maybe it was because everyone was home and things were in chaos, but... I don't know. I felt extremely hurt by something, and maybe it was reality, maybe it was the realization that they don't care as much as I want them to... I don't know why I want anyone to care. I guess it makes me feel more alive.

Saturday night I packed my shit and basically said, to myself, "fuck you"... To the rest of my social life. It felt good at the time- maybe as some sort of subconcious revenge against them. But for the last 3 days (and by the time anyone reads this in whatever form it takes, it will be closer to a week) I've minimalized any social contact with every friend I have, save for my family (who I know for a fact would worry if I dropped contact for a week). And for the last 3 days, I've been trying to rationalize it... I can't.

For some reason the only thing that makes sense is when I think "I don't deserve friends when I act like this." And acting like this came naturally to me for a very long time- you know, walking around displaying zero emotion or courtesy, not going out of my way to be involved in socializing... So what, why do this? This is how it USED to be, and its funny because I got all butt hurt when they treated me like I was this way. If I'm not, why am I writing this?

Maybe because I became something else (even before I left!), and it didn't feel like any of them acknowledged it a few days ago. I would never ask them to be false, but the reality of how they acted was not what I expected.

The absolute truth that I try to lie to myself about? A few weeks ago I started feeling like she had detatched from me. It started with messages not ending with "love you", a simple term that from her had meaning and from anyone, well, I've rarely ever received. I got a feeling of dread in the back of my mind when I heard she was in town, and would be when I returned. Because I felt a bit numb at her now, I want to ask "why?" at her but it felt silly, and I got the feeling she'd play it off as "oh, I just did it 'cause" because only ONCE have I ever got her to talk about the feelings she has deep down. She doesn't wear them on her sleeve like I and so many that I know do, which is why I felt her so special in the first place. Who knew it'd eventually drive me to being upset at her for it?

The truth isn't that I'm upset with my friends for leaving me out- I'm annoyed that at least 2-3 of them knew it was my last day and didn't bother asking me to do anything- it's that I'm sad that reality wants to hit me again. I really had this thing going in my mind that, I love her. In the purest sense. Friend, romantic, whatever. Fucking all of it. As much as I wish and hope it would go beyond what it is (was?), I would be content to have that feeling of love that I got when she was around or when she hugged me, because THAT feeling was the one where I wasn't lying to myself and knew she wanted me around. Do you really need some sort of formulaic relationship with someone when you know you have their love? I didn't think so. But... Heh, that first day I was back and heard she was around, the first thing I hear is that she's looking for the kid I was with. Not the both of us. Just him. I feel selfish saying that, but its what it feels like.

What we really feel inside- all the greed and egoism- it's not so pretty, but I know for a fact that everyone feels it.

I'm not sure what I want to do with this. There's a message sitting in my inbox from her saying god-knows-what, but I refuse to read it yet. It's a reply to a cry for pity, and I really hate myself for disguising everything in this writing under a half-assed paragraph of self-piting. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because last time I displayed this level of analyzation over what everyone else can just write off, I got called obsessive. My thoughts look long-winded in written form, but the truth is that I continue my life daily, minus friends right now, and can work and concentrate just as hard.

This has all been brewing much longer than 3 days, but 3 days of solitude can put things in a nutshell rather quickly. This is everything really, this is the only source of concern in my world. If I asked, could it be more? If I showed her this, would she eyeball it and run like the last one did?

I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I can have it. And it's unbelievably frustrating. But it felt so good to be friends with her like we were at the end of summer, and if nothing else, I just want that back. The trouble is you don't get to request something like that.

Awakening

2006-07-01T03:28:00.000-06:00

Recovered from an addiction to pain,
Having learned of the nothingness to gain.
In this new start-
just a brief part
Of the beginning of life anew
Seeing that real love's borders are few.

The confines fell ages ago amid the tragedy of crushed hopes
This news is old.

But the sun arrives everyday now- and warmer
And though this new one replaces the former
Bringing along ideas doomed to arrive nowhere
I don't care-

And that's how I know this time,
It's real.

Blind Eye

2006-04-21T14:39:00.000-06:00

It's amazing- depressingly amazing, how long a person can fail to notice a pile of shit. There it sits in the corner, festering, making itself known to all but the one who is constantly near it. Sans this one, the rest see it for what it is: An obnoxious, useless pile of shit that will be better forgotten than smelled.

But there's this one that sees it through one eye as art, beauty, worth it. After awhile they failed to notice even the stench when it was toyed with and poked around in. It became a part of their daily life and no longer registered; in fact, the absence of this shit only seemed to hurt more and they couldn't cope with the world when it was lacking, despite how everyone around them could see the one's life as going infinitely better in that absence.

This one is afraid of being alone, afraid that this pile of shit is the only thing they'll ever see beauty in, and refuse to let it go even when it is painfully obvious to the others around it that it should be shunned. They need not poke around inside to look for beauty- if you look hard enough at anything for something, you'll find it- they need only to passively observe its interaction with the world for a fair period of time. Judgement? Absolutely. Nobody cries "don't judge them" when the murderer is sent to death for henious acts, this is no different. No, the others see the pile for what it is: Shit. Nothing more. So why does the one see it out of one eye as art?

They're terrified of opening the other eye and seeing the pile for what it is, terrified of being wrong for so long and feeling so stupid for not coming to their full senses.

But the others wouldn't judge the one for that. The one is the essence of good and beauty, and means only well. The one is not a pile of shit, just blind in one eye.

Uncover it.

A shallow hole, but not a grave.

2006-01-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

I once asked what it saw, now I know. It did see something, but not as much as it did in another.

Would it have in time? Yes.
Will it still? Perhaps.

To bury this... How deep does the hole have to go? I opt for shallow enough that it can be uncovered later, unscathed and still beautiful. But to go as deep as possible- allowing the mind to swallow it whole... Is unfathomable. I never wish to forget the feeling of absolute bliss that was there before, and I'll hold onto the hope that it'll be rediscovered in time.

So therein lies the mantra: Bury it, but never lose sight.

There will never be anything but love here.

Complexity(-?)

2005-12-26T00:41:00.000-07:00

There isn't any. Our lives are merely obscured by a thick fog of fear that society has hurled onto us since birth. One day, we'll clear it and discover so much more in each other.

One day.

That one.

2005-11-13T04:01:00.000-07:00

What does it see?

I know what I see: Hope. Warmth.

And I know I'm not blind, but forcing perceptions into another seems criminal. Yet the look... The reaction... They're something wholly beautiful to behold.

So, what does it see?

My glorious return!

2005-07-21T03:27:00.000-06:00

GLORIOUS I SAY!

That's right my dear non-existent readers, I'm back! Where did I go? Well, I'll tell you...

Antarctica is very white. Whiter than the northwest, since there weren't any natives to kill off here. Well, except polar bears, and they're white anyways.

Alas...

I was walking along when I met Bob. I found it odd, not because he only had a leg and a half, no, I've seen that before. It was because I haven't seen another human in 4 months, 8 hours, 9 minutes, and 6 seconds. And that was before I starting eating that guy, so technically it would be 1 day, 2 hours, 4 minutes, and 3 seconds, because that was when I finally worked up to eat that one, last piece (if YOU were starving you can be damn sure you would to).

Anywho, Bob spoke Canadian and I couldn't understand a damn word he was saying, having never been to Canada (it was apparent from the giant red pot leaf on his jacket that he was Canadian). You know what's funny? How people talk louder when you can't understand them. Bob did that a lot, then after he lost his breath from yelling at me (Canadians apparently hate everyone who doesn't speak Canadian). And then he started moving his hands really slowly. I'm not entirely sure what the hell he was trying to accomplish with that, but it just looks absolutely ridiculous. Which is why I started laughing, and the prick got all frustrated AGAIN! Fucking Christ, what do Canadians eat? Buckets of hate?

That was when he lunged at me. I'd heard tales that Canadians were good at hockey, which is really just an excuse for white people to beat the living shit out of each other (why they enjoy this I don't know; colored people are far more interesting to whale on), but Bob missed completely. I guess having one and a half legs makes you a pretty poor shot.

Anyways, I stabbed Bob in the back of the heat with a sharp piece of metal. He twitched a bit before biting the snow, which was hilarious because his leg stub was completely twigging out. You had to be there I guess, it's hard to describe the exact movements.

I figured out his name from his wallet, by the way, which I promptly took after stabbing him. Not for the money you dolt! What good is that in fucking Antarctica? It's not like you have to PAY the penguins for sexual favors, jeez...

So I've spent that last two months dragging the remains back to camp. I ate the rest of his half leg, and started on the left arm on the journey back. Right now I'm eating liver... Mmm... Liver.

God is dead. I killed him.

2005-05-05T20:34:00.000-06:00

Staring into oblivion, I conjured up this strangely amorphous being. He didn't exist until I thought of him, and then he became a protective figure for me. Much like Drop Zone, my kick ass GI Joe action figure!

Alas, he sat above me so I couldn't see him. Probably munching on wheat-thins and laughing at me the whole time. I often asked him questions, but that right bastard wouldn't answer me. He just sat there and let things play out, letting me think that any time a favorable situation occurred it was of his doing. Oooh, but he didn't stop there: Bad situations were his fault too, as they happened to teach me a lesson. Clearly, he was on the ball.

I found that ball one day, and promptly bashed his head in.

Asshole... You got crumbs on my head!

April Blows.

2005-04-17T20:39:00.000-06:00

Curiously long ago and not so far away yet
it draws closer and closer
That feeling of absolute freedom
Deep blue
dark green
Searing daylight
cool darkness
Things to be done
and ultimately nothing to do

Bliss.

Nonsensical Spam, Part Zwei!

2005-04-12T22:05:00.000-06:00

Spam letter received Tuesday, April 12:

"enough undead are still wigglin' after the sun comes up, then we'llhave a conversation and he helped me switch trains in Amsfoort. It was great (she's a wonderful cook), and because I have been keeping myself busy. That is to say, I haven't been allowing myself the space and time to sit and think. This has been going on basically since my longterm relationship ended a month and a half ago. I kind of plans Jessica might've made that involved someone coming to the Bible Museum, then met Esperantists in Amsterdam, because the streets were set up for walking. Another beautiful difference from America was that there are anklecuffs on either side of the U.S. had any right to attack Iraq. I didn't have the 12 euro in change that the solo in the eyes and face. It struck me how very different these two beautiful women looked. They moved toward one another and Jessica's hands went to Burning Man. - I went over to her house wearing the prescribed comfortable and slightly-dressy clothes, she came back and I definitely plan to meet and what I was working was affecting my ability to work by 08:30 again. These were good habits that you've lost. An alarm is definitely a way of living intentionally. I've been given. I know that she not go to Amsterdam with the cross piece running under the sheet. I'll be back in talking about this, that, and the energy which he put into Mills Electric Co.and the the defense of our "sealed" dates. This is something that we had a great time with her. The food was great (she's a wonderful woman, Nathalie, who was just listening during an ending note. I felt incompetent and embarassed, which are two feelings that I've been a bit of self-evaluation time. Journaling (private and public) has been the best outlet for that role anytime soon is not a good idea. This longing makes me think that, at least for now, I'm going to be with her, and connect with her. The food was great because I realized that the solo in the Netherlands, there wasn't anything that resembled a billboard. In fact, on my right, smiling and walking around and lost in the Netherlands) out to Vierhouten. The location was a meeting building out in a small campground there. I was riding my bike to school (an absolutely favorite time for us to get in to work during the intervening time, but didn't allow myself the space and time to sit with a really long stem. Each of the guys walked with me before, like intense biting and candle wax, though once she made the smallest of noises, an exhalation of a Spotless Mind shows: I stopped watching this year. Valuable life lessons you learned in 2004: i'm gonna fall in love with ev'ryone i see and ev'rything i touch and ev'rything i touch and ev'rything i feel isn't that the people that I was very happy to be introducing me to appreciate more about a French perspective on life, love, and lounging about. The Dutch Esperantists were expressing, and I think it's stress related, but things seem to be some rules tonight. First, you can't touch her. If you try, she will leave. Are we clear?" I nodded to show my understanding and agreement. "And last, you cannot talk directly to Sung in Korean in the apparatus until I'd cum three times (that was a pure longing to be succeeding at his opening with a really long stem. Each of the "Y" has a wristcuff and there are activities in Amsterdam which are illegal in other countries, most notably, America. This fact hit me while I was bound, had a naked picture of myself published in a national magazine 01. had "intimate moments" with poultry 5 things you've probably done that I haven't been diligent) rail on myself for lack of progress, but I'm not interested in behaving in a state of continual orgasm. The downside to this is that when she was up to, but I was reminded of how much our legal system has imposed a morality on what we do everyday. So, also, I must note the similarities between Amsterdam and Las Vegas, in that "what happens in Amsterdam, so we walked around further outside of the stem. When it's put on someone (who's probably lying down), it holds their arms next to their sides of my life. Too often I'll jump to a tangent from a human and to talk with the river" for a role in my life. I look forward to getting out of the bed on my work. I need to keep cumming, but after that initial reaction to "coming down" she's happy and content. So, Jessica started making small circles with her and wouldn't have asked her here if I missed my last train from Brussels to Lille, I was in Amsterdam, because the streets were set up for walking. Another beautiful difference from America was that there will be there when I'm in need. And, I'm feeling that loss now in the eyes as her breasts came in contact with my resolutions, but I knew what that meant. We'd be using the "apparatus" tonight. The apparatus is a custom made piece of chocolate and a blank page and start shovelling out the bedroom door, and then trying some raw herring. I separated from the sides of my cock at all. I could feel her ass clenched on my dissertation What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? For my 34th birthday, I celebrated with the WOI's family. I asked at the hotel and asked if I can to reduce drilling for oil. I avoid large national chain stores and buy organic foods in order that people could understand me, and I so wanted to give me one piece of bondage gear that Jessica is a."

Wait, no! You can't stop you bastard! You can't say bondage in a sentence and NOT follow it up with another!

Nonsensical Spam, Part Ein!

2005-04-12T21:53:00.000-06:00

Spam letter received on Sunday, April 10th:

"We are supposed to go to a bit the past couple of weeks ago. I wasthinking , "he really needs to check out my friends & their families have a preference black vs. white guys. Actually maybe I do, I rather they be white because it would just be easier. Most of my friends & their families have a Valentine. I've been talking to a bridal show & then out to eat. I've never been to one before. At first I didn't think it will be working day & evening hours. Probably mostly evening hours, but I'm hoping to work a strict 6-2pm or 2-10pm. Actually I don't find out because I heard it all So we shall see Let me know what happened, but my icons & font are extremely large. Almost the way a screen looks when it's in safe mode My mother brought the pc to her job & someone reinstalled the memory cards out & to at least get my screen looking normal. Hopefully I'll catch up soon. And hopefully LJ will be time to say the least. I loved the hot tub, that was cool, but had a surprise party so this should be fun. Hope I don't know when. I never had a black boyfriend for about 5 years & we kept it a secret. But, I only have five days left of work early, but got out much later than planned. I was turning 21, there would be no crying My mom is planning some sort of surprise for me. I just turned 26.What is Highschool label Hi guys What's happening Obviously I've been talking to a bit the past couple of weeks ago. I was on the phone Beatrice & she was having a party, I wish I was preparing for a audit coming up in tears one night from being so tense during the week, and of course being a little awkward but it helps. I'll be supervising are kind of funny is I had them in wrong. Well, It still looks the same, with the huge icons. And if I should go back to work now. It's going to San Francisco, March 17th for five nights, with a choice to work tonight.Not looking forward to going away, but feel a little extra to help pay for my own records . I have a Valentine. I've been busy as usual. And I thought I was supposed to go out at Swimmingly I'm sorry I missed your birthday, Is as special as you Hi guys, how are you I haven't posted in like (what feels like) a million years, but I haven't been online Hope it was a ploy to get me to my surprise birthday party or dinner. Because, why on earth would a 30 year old girl want to go out at around 6pm, but we did it. I'm sure there were times my mother wondered but she never knows where I am or how to reach me. Most of my friends know that I haven't been in a relationship in over three years, so I think I do have a Valentine. I've been busy as usual. And I thought our meeting would be no crying My mom is having a good idea, but I guess if he wanted to wish everyone Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone is doing well, I miss you guys. Hope you had a great Hi guys, how are you I haven't posted in like (what feels like) a million years, but I think it is now. I think I'm starting to get out of work & other stuff that I know, but don't know. I don know I'm not wound up. I get back from Mag's. Not sure though. Anyway hope everyone has a nice time & we stayed overnight. My friend Beatrice (also from work) thinks I'd be crazy not to figure out if I should go back to school or get another job. I'm pushing this to the back of my head at the same time, I'm holding back. It takes me awhile ago to come with her & I told her was he liked me until a couple of weeks & we seem to have a lot of stress. I think I do have a lot of stress. I think I'll get the 6-2 slot. Then I think we'll have a preference black vs. white guys. Actually maybe I do, I rather they be white because it would just be easier. Most of my birthday gifts. I'm going to do. Also, some of you may think, but we still had a black boyfriend for about 5 years & we stayed overnight. My friend Beatrice (also from work) thinks I'd be crazy not to happy about 2-10pm. And they might make us work Tues-Sat or Sun-Thurs WTF That sucks This is so a supervisor is always on site on the phone Beatrice & she was "on-call". and with three-way she called one of my friends tell me to my surprise birthday party or dinner. Because, why on earth would a 30 year old girl want to go for it & just keep it a secret. But, I only have five days left. That is a limited time promo is sponsored by consumer incentive promotions and subject to terms, conds and restrictions, see site for details. The trademark owners have not endorsed this promo, nor are they connected with this promo. For your convenience to be taken of newsletter list please follow the above link, or via mail consumer incentive promotions,14545 j military tr. 189,delray beach, fl33484,usa.Thanks a lot."

Holy shit... I'm a duck!

2005-04-11T20:26:00.000-06:00

Erik sat alone, contemplating life, the universe, and that damned gnat on his beak.

Bastard... If I had laser eyesight I'd annihilate you.

He quickly ducked under the water, and upon re-emerging, the gnat was gone. VICTORY!!

Drown in the depths of the eternally-damned you wretched spawn!!!

Erik continued floating, as was the daily routine. Sometimes he'd fly a little ways, land, fly some more, honk at inanimate objects that occasionally spoke to him, and just generally continue with his oblivious existence.

One day, he sat on a pond with several other ducks. In more ways than are obvious, a pond of ducks is much like a chatroom. Nobody knows each other, everyone wants to see breasts, and most attempt to demonstrate their intellect by showing an apparent lack of understanding for basic communication skills. Erik took no part in these activities, staying close to the shore and staring into the muddy depths wondering if, in fact, these things called "sharks" existed, and if so, why they refused to eat him. He furrowed a brow.

Then it happened: Across the pond, a mallard. But not just any mallard! The most beautiful, exquisite, and overwhelmingly hot mallard he'd ever seen in his life.

Bubbles suddenly formed from the water at her backside.

Duck farts. They're so blasted ambiguous.

And then, with the force of a 80 megaton bomb being dropped on an Ethiopian midget, it hit him:

Holy shit... I'm a duck!

Such a thought had never fully occurred to him. Oh sure, he quacked, flew, and floated all day. But a duck? No, never! A flying entity of sorts, yes, but surely much more than a simple duck.

Wow... I never- No, impossible! Well, I suppose that is a beak... And it certainly has a quack-ish ring to it when I speak... Incredible!

Erik honked gleefully, and swam around in circles. Life is good.

HAHAHAHAOMGOMGOMGOM!!!!1onewon

2005-04-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

Lies! Blasphemy! All of it!

You lot! So gullible in your unending daze amid the expansions of my mind.

Have at you!

Hola!

2005-03-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

The clock in the systray says it's 2 am. But time is completely relative... Maybe it's actually 7 PM next thursday in my mind!

The clock cannot hold me, or the demented ravings that are soon to follow, back in the least!