Down the hole (and up again?)
Irony is being back in this spot after, for so long, telling myself "never again". Never again would I waste my time wallowing in depression by choice, knowing exactly how to end it but... Not.
The last moment I had any meaningful social contact was around 8 on Saturday evening, and then briefly (and quite schizophrenically on my part) again around 1 on messenger. Shortly thereafter I found tears streaming down my face as I waited for sleep to come... The last time water of that sort came down my face in that spot was because of a love I had, but was not given back. This time was because of a love I have, that I thought was shared on meaningful level (though not as meaningful as I wish it were), but which I felt thrown to the wind like it wasn't important. All rather suddenly (unlike last time, which took a good 3 months to get beaten into my skull).
Being here, away from everyone that I cared about for 4 years of my life, reminds me of what it is to actually "care" about people. People at home... They get complacent, seeing their friends of ages everyday. I can't really blame them- afterall, it took being thrust away from them to realize how shitty it can be not having them- but nevertheless, it still hurt:
I want to say that my last night in town was one where I was the victim. I really do. Blaming everyone else is far easier, and for the last 3 days its what I've been trying to do, but it never feels quite right. What feels true is that I still carry the stigma in that town- the one I built for myself- of being quiet and mostly anti-social.
I got used to that feeling... And then I arrived at the university. I made different friends. These friends (and while I doubt age has much to do with it, they're all 3+ years ahead of me) aren't too different from the old ones I have, except in one major area that I can't explain in any sort of summarizing word or phrase that has any poetic value, so here's how in laymans: They invite me places. If they go do something, they ask me if I care to join. If they plan to go do something, they ask if I'm in. Such a simple act is- like so many- far more meaningful than quite a lot in my world. And what's more is that these kids don't know me as well as my older friends, but they geniunely care if I come or not. It's not just a curteousy invite- they actually want me there.
The thing is that after being exposed to that, of feeling "welcome" around them, I got it in my head that that's how it was with my old friends. And then I came home and either things have changed, or they never were. I don't mean my closest friends that know pretty much everything in my head- I mean my "friends" that just know me like the guys here do. Well, scratch that- one of the friends I speak of should know me as well as my close friends.
So this stigma that I used to have came back on that last night- manifested in the form of nobody particularly caring to ask me to join them in anything. Part of this is my ego, which while I try to keep very small and benign, is still there. It's not really anyone's fault, they just didn't think of me. I expected them to, and was hit in the face by reality. Maybe it was because everyone was home and things were in chaos, but... I don't know. I felt extremely hurt by something, and maybe it was reality, maybe it was the realization that they don't care as much as I want them to... I don't know why I want anyone to care. I guess it makes me feel more alive.
Saturday night I packed my shit and basically said, to myself, "fuck you"... To the rest of my social life. It felt good at the time- maybe as some sort of subconcious revenge against them. But for the last 3 days (and by the time anyone reads this in whatever form it takes, it will be closer to a week) I've minimalized any social contact with every friend I have, save for my family (who I know for a fact would worry if I dropped contact for a week). And for the last 3 days, I've been trying to rationalize it... I can't.
For some reason the only thing that makes sense is when I think "I don't deserve friends when I act like this." And acting like this came naturally to me for a very long time- you know, walking around displaying zero emotion or courtesy, not going out of my way to be involved in socializing... So what, why do this? This is how it USED to be, and its funny because I got all butt hurt when they treated me like I was this way. If I'm not, why am I writing this?
Maybe because I became something else (even before I left!), and it didn't feel like any of them acknowledged it a few days ago. I would never ask them to be false, but the reality of how they acted was not what I expected.
The absolute truth that I try to lie to myself about? A few weeks ago I started feeling like she had detatched from me. It started with messages not ending with "love you", a simple term that from her had meaning and from anyone, well, I've rarely ever received. I got a feeling of dread in the back of my mind when I heard she was in town, and would be when I returned. Because I felt a bit numb at her now, I want to ask "why?" at her but it felt silly, and I got the feeling she'd play it off as "oh, I just did it 'cause" because only ONCE have I ever got her to talk about the feelings she has deep down. She doesn't wear them on her sleeve like I and so many that I know do, which is why I felt her so special in the first place. Who knew it'd eventually drive me to being upset at her for it?
The truth isn't that I'm upset with my friends for leaving me out- I'm annoyed that at least 2-3 of them knew it was my last day and didn't bother asking me to do anything- it's that I'm sad that reality wants to hit me again. I really had this thing going in my mind that, I love her. In the purest sense. Friend, romantic, whatever. Fucking all of it. As much as I wish and hope it would go beyond what it is (was?), I would be content to have that feeling of love that I got when she was around or when she hugged me, because THAT feeling was the one where I wasn't lying to myself and knew she wanted me around. Do you really need some sort of formulaic relationship with someone when you know you have their love? I didn't think so. But... Heh, that first day I was back and heard she was around, the first thing I hear is that she's looking for the kid I was with. Not the both of us. Just him. I feel selfish saying that, but its what it feels like.
What we really feel inside- all the greed and egoism- it's not so pretty, but I know for a fact that everyone feels it.
I'm not sure what I want to do with this. There's a message sitting in my inbox from her saying god-knows-what, but I refuse to read it yet. It's a reply to a cry for pity, and I really hate myself for disguising everything in this writing under a half-assed paragraph of self-piting. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because last time I displayed this level of analyzation over what everyone else can just write off, I got called obsessive. My thoughts look long-winded in written form, but the truth is that I continue my life daily, minus friends right now, and can work and concentrate just as hard.
This has all been brewing much longer than 3 days, but 3 days of solitude can put things in a nutshell rather quickly. This is everything really, this is the only source of concern in my world. If I asked, could it be more? If I showed her this, would she eyeball it and run like the last one did?
I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I can have it. And it's unbelievably frustrating. But it felt so good to be friends with her like we were at the end of summer, and if nothing else, I just want that back. The trouble is you don't get to request something like that.
The last moment I had any meaningful social contact was around 8 on Saturday evening, and then briefly (and quite schizophrenically on my part) again around 1 on messenger. Shortly thereafter I found tears streaming down my face as I waited for sleep to come... The last time water of that sort came down my face in that spot was because of a love I had, but was not given back. This time was because of a love I have, that I thought was shared on meaningful level (though not as meaningful as I wish it were), but which I felt thrown to the wind like it wasn't important. All rather suddenly (unlike last time, which took a good 3 months to get beaten into my skull).
Being here, away from everyone that I cared about for 4 years of my life, reminds me of what it is to actually "care" about people. People at home... They get complacent, seeing their friends of ages everyday. I can't really blame them- afterall, it took being thrust away from them to realize how shitty it can be not having them- but nevertheless, it still hurt:
I want to say that my last night in town was one where I was the victim. I really do. Blaming everyone else is far easier, and for the last 3 days its what I've been trying to do, but it never feels quite right. What feels true is that I still carry the stigma in that town- the one I built for myself- of being quiet and mostly anti-social.
I got used to that feeling... And then I arrived at the university. I made different friends. These friends (and while I doubt age has much to do with it, they're all 3+ years ahead of me) aren't too different from the old ones I have, except in one major area that I can't explain in any sort of summarizing word or phrase that has any poetic value, so here's how in laymans: They invite me places. If they go do something, they ask me if I care to join. If they plan to go do something, they ask if I'm in. Such a simple act is- like so many- far more meaningful than quite a lot in my world. And what's more is that these kids don't know me as well as my older friends, but they geniunely care if I come or not. It's not just a curteousy invite- they actually want me there.
The thing is that after being exposed to that, of feeling "welcome" around them, I got it in my head that that's how it was with my old friends. And then I came home and either things have changed, or they never were. I don't mean my closest friends that know pretty much everything in my head- I mean my "friends" that just know me like the guys here do. Well, scratch that- one of the friends I speak of should know me as well as my close friends.
So this stigma that I used to have came back on that last night- manifested in the form of nobody particularly caring to ask me to join them in anything. Part of this is my ego, which while I try to keep very small and benign, is still there. It's not really anyone's fault, they just didn't think of me. I expected them to, and was hit in the face by reality. Maybe it was because everyone was home and things were in chaos, but... I don't know. I felt extremely hurt by something, and maybe it was reality, maybe it was the realization that they don't care as much as I want them to... I don't know why I want anyone to care. I guess it makes me feel more alive.
Saturday night I packed my shit and basically said, to myself, "fuck you"... To the rest of my social life. It felt good at the time- maybe as some sort of subconcious revenge against them. But for the last 3 days (and by the time anyone reads this in whatever form it takes, it will be closer to a week) I've minimalized any social contact with every friend I have, save for my family (who I know for a fact would worry if I dropped contact for a week). And for the last 3 days, I've been trying to rationalize it... I can't.
For some reason the only thing that makes sense is when I think "I don't deserve friends when I act like this." And acting like this came naturally to me for a very long time- you know, walking around displaying zero emotion or courtesy, not going out of my way to be involved in socializing... So what, why do this? This is how it USED to be, and its funny because I got all butt hurt when they treated me like I was this way. If I'm not, why am I writing this?
Maybe because I became something else (even before I left!), and it didn't feel like any of them acknowledged it a few days ago. I would never ask them to be false, but the reality of how they acted was not what I expected.
The absolute truth that I try to lie to myself about? A few weeks ago I started feeling like she had detatched from me. It started with messages not ending with "love you", a simple term that from her had meaning and from anyone, well, I've rarely ever received. I got a feeling of dread in the back of my mind when I heard she was in town, and would be when I returned. Because I felt a bit numb at her now, I want to ask "why?" at her but it felt silly, and I got the feeling she'd play it off as "oh, I just did it 'cause" because only ONCE have I ever got her to talk about the feelings she has deep down. She doesn't wear them on her sleeve like I and so many that I know do, which is why I felt her so special in the first place. Who knew it'd eventually drive me to being upset at her for it?
The truth isn't that I'm upset with my friends for leaving me out- I'm annoyed that at least 2-3 of them knew it was my last day and didn't bother asking me to do anything- it's that I'm sad that reality wants to hit me again. I really had this thing going in my mind that, I love her. In the purest sense. Friend, romantic, whatever. Fucking all of it. As much as I wish and hope it would go beyond what it is (was?), I would be content to have that feeling of love that I got when she was around or when she hugged me, because THAT feeling was the one where I wasn't lying to myself and knew she wanted me around. Do you really need some sort of formulaic relationship with someone when you know you have their love? I didn't think so. But... Heh, that first day I was back and heard she was around, the first thing I hear is that she's looking for the kid I was with. Not the both of us. Just him. I feel selfish saying that, but its what it feels like.
What we really feel inside- all the greed and egoism- it's not so pretty, but I know for a fact that everyone feels it.
I'm not sure what I want to do with this. There's a message sitting in my inbox from her saying god-knows-what, but I refuse to read it yet. It's a reply to a cry for pity, and I really hate myself for disguising everything in this writing under a half-assed paragraph of self-piting. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid because last time I displayed this level of analyzation over what everyone else can just write off, I got called obsessive. My thoughts look long-winded in written form, but the truth is that I continue my life daily, minus friends right now, and can work and concentrate just as hard.
This has all been brewing much longer than 3 days, but 3 days of solitude can put things in a nutshell rather quickly. This is everything really, this is the only source of concern in my world. If I asked, could it be more? If I showed her this, would she eyeball it and run like the last one did?
I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I can have it. And it's unbelievably frustrating. But it felt so good to be friends with her like we were at the end of summer, and if nothing else, I just want that back. The trouble is you don't get to request something like that.
posted by Berzerk at 1:51 AM
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